


It's All Too Much

by asymmetricace



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, a lil bit, but this is a fic about ignatz, minor spoilers for golden deer plot, spoilers for some of ignatz's supports, there's a side of byleth/seteth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 04:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20252050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asymmetricace/pseuds/asymmetricace
Summary: Ignatz had always done what his family wished. He knew he'd never inherit the family merchant business unless, Goddess forbid, something happened to his brother. So, if his parents wanted him to attend the Officers Academy at Garreg Mach Monastery, that's what he would do. His parents wanted him to be a knight? He'd be a knight. He did what he must to please his parents.And if that came at the cost of the only things he'd ever wanted? Well, so be it.





	It's All Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> howdy yall ignatz/raphael is a really cute ship and im so sad there's not more content for them
> 
> anyway i was watching ignatz's s support with f!byleth and had a lot of feelings about some specific lines of dialogue and so this fic about him overcoming internalized homophobia was born (with the working title 'ignatz sad hours')
> 
> also this fic isn't beta-d and i've tried to proofread it myself like 12 times but inevitably there's likely still some mistakes i apologize
> 
> hope you enjoy

The Officers Academy at Garreg Mach Monastery was a school of incredible opportunity and it was an incredible privilege to be there. At least, that was the mantra that Ignatz Victor repeated to himself whenever he was having a difficult day. And he had more difficult days than he would ever readily admit. The fact of the matter was that it was never easy to confront the reality that he was at this academy in order to become a knight when all he ever wanted in life was to be an artist. So, he buried those feelings and told himself that he wanted to be a knight. He wanted to follow his parents’ wishes. He wanted to please them. He wanted to do his duty to Fódlan. If that came at the cost of reducing his favorite pastime to a mere hobby, enjoyed only when he had the briefest of moments to himself, so be it. He still got to indulge in painting, and there were so many beautiful landscapes and sights at the monastery for him to depict. He only wished he had the time. The professor had already caught him attempting to sneak out with his painting supplies during a break. He’d nearly panicked, searching for any excuse as to why he would be leaving with a stack of papers. But then the professor had simply reassured him that he didn’t need to hide his desire to create art and encouraged Ignatz to take time to pursue his works.

Ignatz hadn’t expected that, and he wasn’t entirely sure why that was the case. When he thought about it, there really wasn’t anything wrong with wanting to paint. The only issue was that, if he wasn’t careful, art would take priority over his studies. If he didn’t do well at the academy he would never become a worthy knight and make his parents proud.

In one fluid motion, Ignatz pushed his glasses up to his forehead and ground the heels of his palms into his eyes. He groaned, frustrated at the familiar loop of negative thoughts he had once again allowed himself to fall into. He couldn’t keep thinking about this. He had other matters to attend to. He sat up in his bed, adjusting his glasses as he righted himself. He looked around at the walls of his dormitory room and couldn’t help but feel frustrated about them as well. If he’d had things his way, he would have loved to decorate those walls with some of his smaller works. However, he couldn’t risk someone coming in and going to brag to his father or other family about any sort of artistic talent. Ignatz didn’t even think he was that good of a painter, but he enjoyed the art he made and that was really all that mattered. It wasn’t like anyone else was ever going to be able to enjoy it.

He clenched his fists with such force that he left half-moons in his palms. If he let himself fall down that trail of thoughts again he would surely be late for class. He let out a sharp exhale, squeezing his eyes shut, and just then there was a quick rap on his door. Ignatz bolted to his feet, quickly glancing in the mirror to make sure he was presentable, and put on a neutrally positive expression before he answered.

“Hey, Ignatz! I didn’t see you at the dining hall during lunch and figured you must be hungry! I brought some rolls, and some cheese, and…well, some of a lot! I wasn’t sure what you wanted!” It was Raphael. Of course it was. That wasn’t to say that Ignatz was bothered. Ignatz found that he quite enjoyed Raphael’s company, after all, they’d been friends since they were kids. And with the air recently cleared surrounding their parents, Ignatz felt much more comfortable being around his old friend. That guilt had nearly destroyed him. If he thought too much about it, it still had the potential to. Ignatz had the hardest time believing that Raphael didn’t blame the Victor family for the deaths of his parents. For Ignatz, it was a direct correlation. If his parents hadn’t recommended Raphael’s go in their stead on that fateful day, Raphael’s parents would still be alive. But Raphael didn’t see why that mattered. Even if he did, he wouldn’t hold the sins of Ignatz’s parents against him. Raphael was a good man. Ignatz was a bit jealous of that sometimes, if he were being honest.

“Oh, hello, Raphael. You didn’t need to do that for me. I really wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, but—” Ignatz started.

“But you’ve gotta eat! If you don’t eat, how are you gonna get big and strong?”

Ignatz didn’t have the heart to tell him that he would likely never get big and strong. At least, not nearly in the way Raphael was probably thinking. Perhaps he’d grow a bit more. That would be nice. But he’d never get ‘big.’ Certainly not ‘strong.’ Goddess, how did he ever think he’d be a proper knight?

“Earth to Ignatz.” Raphael said, waving his hand that wasn’t burdened with food in front of the smaller boy’s face. “Are you feelin’ ok? You look a little spaced out…”

“W-What? I’m fine.” Ignatz composed himself with the practiced ease of a pretender. “Thank you for bringing all this just for me… I’m not so certain I can even eat all of that. Please, stay and have some.”

“Haha, you know me too well!” Raphael laughed. “I’d love to sit and eat with you, Ignatz! I guess I _did _grab a bit much for you to eat by yourself.”

Raphael spread out the feast he’d collected on a cloth on Ignatz’s bed. Ignatz glanced back and forth between his friend and the door before deciding to prop it open with his desk chair. Something about having the door closed while he dined with Raphael seemed…well, it seemed improper, somehow. He knew that was a ridiculous notion. They’d shared plenty of meals over the years. It was just that this was Ignatz’s room, where he slept. Of course, Raphael had come to visit him in the dormitory before, and they had spent time together here. Ignatz chalked the decision up to his particularly irrational thoughts that day and went to join his friend.

Ignatz found he couldn’t eat any more about fifteen minutes into their makeshift meal and was hardly surprised to see he’d barely made a dent in what Raphael had gathered.

“Goodness, I’m afraid I was right.” Ignatz sighed, leaning back slightly. “There’s far too much for me to eat.”

“That’s all you’re gonna have?!” Raphael cried, staring at him. “You’ve barely eaten anything! No wonder you’re so small!”

“H-Hey now!” Ignatz protested. “I just don’t have as big of an appetite as you!”

Raphael let out a hearty bark of laughter and clapped his hand on Ignatz’s back, almost doubling the boy over. “True enough! And bein’ small ain’t a bad thing! For example, it means you’re the perfect size for huggin’!”

Ignatz would have been more worried about damage to his back if he wasn’t so concerned with how much he was blushing. “Y-You say the most ridiculous things… That’s not a real advantage.”

“Says you! It’s hard to find people who are the perfect huggin’ height when you’re this big!” Raphael proclaimed, flexing for effect.

The green-haired archer caught himself staring at Raphael’s muscles just in time to avert his gaze. He glued his eyes to the floor, trying to force his thoughts to follow suit. Raphael certainly was _big_. There was no argument against that. He was one of the biggest people Ignatz had ever met, smaller than only perhaps Jeralt. Even then, it was a close call. And Ignatz would be lying if he said he didn’t often think about how much larger his friend was than he. Those thoughts always came when his guard was down, when he least expected them. He always did his best to abandon them as quickly as possible, but he wasn’t always as successful as he hoped. It was wholly embarrassing, to be distracted by such things. If prompted, he would blame it on jealously of the other boy’s knightly promise. If unprompted, he would never mention it. He simply couldn’t afford for anything but that lie to be the truth. Just another pile of feelings and thoughts that were to be stomped down, avoided, _denied._

Ignatz liked to consider himself to be an open book. But there were some things that even the simplest of books didn’t leave readily apparent.

“Hey! Ignatz!”

Ignatz’s attention was yanked from his introspection and back to the moment. “S-Sorry, Raphael. Were you saying something?”

“I was just talkin’ about how good the food was today, and I look over and you’re starin’ out into space! What’s going on with you today? You know you can talk to me about anything, pal.” Raphael said, his tone and his eyes painfully earnest.

“I know.” Ignatz lied. “I promise, I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired today, is all.”

“Ok, if you’re sure.” Raphael sounded decidedly less sure. Ignatz knew he couldn’t completely fool him, and that left him with even more guilt. “C’mon, let’s finish this and get to class.”

Ignatz picked up one more small piece of cheese to feel like he was contributing and adjusted the hems of his sleeves as Raphael finished off the rest of the food. He stood and gathered the cloth to wash later before grabbing the materials he would need for class.

“C’mon, Ig!” Raphael was already out the door, beckoning for Ignatz to follow. As he did, Ignatz noted that Raphael had already put his desk chair back where it belonged. Raphael was always doing thoughtful things like that. Another of his many admirable qualities. Raphael was so incredibly nice to everyone he met and…wait, did he just call him ‘Ig?’

Ignatz sighed, shaking his head slightly to refocus his thoughts, and followed Raphael to the classroom.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

“Ignatz, do you have a moment?” Byleth’s soft voice nearly startled Ignatz so much he lost his grip on his books. It was only by the grace of the Goddess that he managed not to drop anything.

“O-Of course, professor.” Ignatz said with a curt nod and gently set his books down on the table. He was very curious as to what the professor wanted to discuss with him, and worried for a small moment that perhaps he’d done something wrong. He followed them outside the classroom to one of the less popular areas of the courtyard, out of earshot of anyone else. Ignatz gulped. This was it. This was the part where Byleth told him that he just wasn’t cut out for the academy. Byleth would say it wasn’t their decision ultimately, of course, that it came from higher up. Someone else to blame, perhaps Seteth or even Rhea. Oh, how embarrassing that would be, to be dismissed from the Officers Academy by the archbishop herself. He could hear it now: ‘We’re terribly sorry for this, Ignatz, but we’re concerned for your future’ and all that. When Byleth opened their mouth, he braced for the worst.

“Are you all right?”

The question struck an even harder blow than what he was expecting.

“I’m sorry?” Ignatz croaked out, finding his words unusually evasive.

“You’ve just seemed really distant the last few days. Almost like you’re distracted.” Byleth said with a nonchalant wave of their hand. “Usually I would leave your business to you, but Flayn was quite concerned when she came to talk to me.”

Flayn? No, no, she didn’t need to be a part of this. Everything was too much as it was. Flayn didn’t need to be added to the equation. And she had been so worried about him that she’d mentioned it to Byleth. Flayn, in all her gentleness and kindness. Everything was _too much. _When Ignatz took an outsider’s perspective on his life, he found that Flayn was nearly the perfect girl. She was lovely, and so, so kind. She truly was incredible. She cared about him, at least a bit if she was willing to go to Byleth about his well-being. Yes, from an outsider’s perspective, she was the perfect future wife for him. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that that was incorrect. He couldn’t believe it. He… He didn’t want to believe it? He certainly didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to marry Flayn. He didn’t want to marry anyone. He didn’t want to have children. He didn’t want to be a knight. He didn’t want to be distracted by thoughts of his best friend. There were so many things he didn’t want and so few that he did. Yet, he wasn’t even allowed those few things he desired. He just wanted to paint. He just wanted…

_Everything was too much._

Ignatz found he was struggling to keep his breathing even. His hands were trembling at his sides, no matter how hard he tried to still them.

“…Ignatz?” Byleth asked gently. “I’ve upset you. I’m sorry for whatever I said—”

“No, you…” Ignatz wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.

“Do you… Is there something you need to talk about?”

Ignatz hesitated. Byleth was a safe person to confide in. He knew this. They were wise beyond their youthful visage. They would be able to help him. But he couldn’t bring himself to voice anything beyond falsehoods. “No, it’s ok. I’m sorry for worrying you and Flayn. I’ll do better.” He said through gritted teeth.

He wasn’t looking at Byleth’s face, but he knew they didn’t believe him. Nevertheless, they just sighed quietly. “Very well. Just know I’m here if you need me.”

Ignatz just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice.

Byleth stood in front of him for several moments longer, lingering, before finally moving on. Ignatz released the tension in his shoulders, suddenly overcome with the urge to cry.

Everything was too much.

Everything was too much and no one could know his internalized struggles. They were his and his alone to deal with. He needn’t burden anyone else with his silly conflicts. And they were incredibly silly when he tried to think about why these thoughts bothered him so. He couldn’t let anyone else know he was bothered. He would handle this on his own. The others needed him to be someone they could rely on to lend a hand. He was always willing to lend a hand. That was who he was: the helpful one. How could he be helpful if his mind was preoccupied? He would bury the thoughts. His parents wanted him to go to Garreg Mach to attend the academy. He would go to Garreg Mach to attend the academy. His parents wanted him to be a knight. He would become a knight. His parents wanted him to marry a nice girl and have children one day. He would… He would marry a nice girl and have children one day. It was what his parents wanted, and it was what he would do.

Even if he didn’t want it, it was what he would do. It was all he could do.

He was the helpful one.

And he would help.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

It had been three years since the fall of Garreg Mach. Ignatz had buried any less than savory thoughts so deep down that he’d hardly confronted any of his previous conflicts since that fateful day when Byleth was lost. He’d become a soldier. War had demanded it. He found that as much as he disliked fighting, it was only a rhythm to be settled into. He went through the routines and soon enough they became, well, routine. He never liked it, but it was what he did. His parents were proud of him. He was doing his duty. They always referred to it as such: ‘doing his duty.’ He was serving Fódlan alongside all the brave individuals fighting the Empire. He could hardly think of himself as brave. He was only fighting because he had to. If it were up to him, he would be camped out in a field with a box of paints.

He hadn’t had much time for painting these days. As much as it pained him to think about, his art had very much fallen by the wayside for a bit. He still sketched when he could, but that was all he had time for. These sketches were hidden away with the rest of his works, most done in the dead of night when he couldn’t force himself to sleep.

The only good thing about this war was that it took the pressure of marriage off of him. Ignatz silently thanked the Goddess every time his parents started to ask about any special girls in his life and he was able to tell them that he was going to focus on the war for now and think about romance later. He had come to terms with his lot in life in regards to his career. That was all he had the courage to face for now. If there were any other aspects of himself that needed examining, they would have to wait. Ignatz was far too busy for anything other than staying alive.

He missed his friends. He was already counting down until the day the Golden Deer house had promised to meet again at the monastery. Of course he would be there. He’d made a promise. Ignatz Victor always kept his promises. He’d promised his parents he would become a knight and there he was, fighting in the war. He’d promised his parents he would settle down and start a family. He was…working on that one. He’d promised Claude and the others that they’d meet again. The only thing that could keep him from fulfilling that promise was death. He wasn’t planning on dying any time soon.

Ignatz only hoped his friends had the same idea.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Ignatz had thought he’d been ready. After not seeing some of his classmates for five years, he thought he’d been ready to face them again. He was, for the most part. They’d all changed, obviously. Claude had grown, filled out, and sported a small beard. It suited him, somehow. Hilda hadn’t changed as much, but she had always looked more mature than her lackadaisical ways suggested. Marianne looked happier. That was good to see. Lysithea had grown quite a bit, much to everyone’s surprise. Leonie had grown her hair out. Lorenz had also grown his hair out and the look was somehow quite handsome on him. Much better than whatever his haircut had been while they were in the academy. And Raphael…

Raphael had gotten_ bigger_. Ignatz hadn’t thought that possible. He himself had gotten taller, a fact he was quite proud of, but Raphael still had half a head on him and was nearly twice as wide. The first time Ignatz had seen him, thoughts and memories came flooding back, nearly drowning him. He hadn’t been ready to see how well time had treated his friend. Granted, they had seen each other a few times during the war, but that was towards the beginning of the conflict. It had been a good three years since Ignatz had seen Raphael. He found that his eyes were struggling not to wander even worse than when they were younger. He steeled his nerves, forcing his gaze to fix on Raphael’s face.

They were back in Ignatz’s old room at the monastery. It had been a few months since the grand reunion. The Alliance had settled into the new headquarters, Claude and Byleth taking over the grounds. Seteth was more than happy to assist them and, even so long after the professor’s return, almost refused to let Byleth out of his sight. Ignatz thought it was sweet, seeing the right hand to the archbishop so concerned that the dear professor might vanish again. It wasn’t the time to think about the others. Ignatz and Raphael were sitting on his old bed, and even though he had taken to sleeping there once again, it still brought back strong memories. Ignatz turned to face his old friend.

“I’m so glad we’re all here again, together.” Ignatz said, smiling slightly. “I know we’ve been here for several moons now, but every time I see some of our old classmates together, it makes me think of the days past.”

“I know what you mean.” Raphael stretched his arms above his head and leaned back against the wall. “I missed everyone a lot while we were gone. I missed you a lot too.”

“I missed you as well.” Ignatz decided he could admit. “I thought of you often.” Perhaps that was a bit much.

“I thought about you too. My little sister got really into art right before…everything happened. She’s gotten pretty good! Every time she’d come to show me something she’d done…I thought about the stuff you paint.” Raphael said fondly.

“O-Oh?” Ignatz asked, his heart pounding.

“Of course! You paint the coolest stuff! You’ve always been so good at art. You’re still painting, right? I know we talked about it, but I haven’t seen anything you’ve done recently.” Raphael turned his body toward the other man. They _were _men now, weren’t they?

“I…I do paint still, yes. I haven’t had as much time lately for art, regrettably. Although, now that we’re here, I might be able to do more…” Ignatz hadn’t really thought about that until he’d said it. He supposed he did have more time for art now. He’d never been on the front lines or anything, but being closer to the war found a way to take more out of people.

“You should! There’s so many things for you to paint! So many people!” Raphael grinned widely, clearly excited.

“P-People?”

“Yeah! You do portraits, right? You should totally do portraits of everyone! I know that this whole thing is gonna be important one day. We’re doing big things in this war. We’re gonna be heroes! And heroes need portraits!”

“I’m not even sure I could do our friends justice…” Ignatz twisted the hem of his cape around a finger, frowning slightly.

“I’m sure you could! You could always practice! Let me be your test subject!”

“How do you mean?”

“Paint me to get good at portraits!”

“You’ve already suggested I paint you for your sister, remember?” Ignatz didn’t particularly feel like reliving that conversation. It had taken place a few weeks after the reunion, and Ignatz had been plagued with thoughts of Raphael’s muscles for days on end. Just when he thought he had outgrown such irrational thoughts…

“Well, yeah, but that’s just for my sis! If you paint me enough, you’ve gotta get good at painting portraits in general!” Raphael’s logic wasn’t entirely sound, but Ignatz didn’t have the heart to argue with him.

“Hm, ok.” Ignatz nodded. “I can do that.”

“Great!” Raphael cheered. “Now…”

Raphael keep talking, but Ignatz had largely stopped listening. A lot had changed during those five years. A lot was going to change after the war. Ignatz’s friends had already started trying to convince him he should become a fulltime painter after the war was over and he was starting to see how that might be a possibility. He would need to talk to his father, but…perhaps he didn’t need the man’s permission. Being an artist had been Ignatz’s dream since he was young. Surely his father would understand that. Besides, if things turned out the way Claude hoped they would, they would all be war heroes by the end of this. That had to be worth something.

And if he could be a painter…maybe the other things he wanted weren’t so bad after all.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

It was a couple nights later. Ignatz, once again wrestling with his own thoughts, couldn’t sleep and decided to go for a short walk around the monastery, maybe sketch some nighttime scenery. He’d been thinking of Raphael again, as loathe as he was to admit it. As simple as it had been to tell himself that it was ok to _want,_ convincing himself of that truth was a whole other matter. Every time he thought of his friend and his physique or the possibility of their relationship becoming…something else, he felt guilty. What if Raphael was not of the same thoughts? He was a strong, handsome, _knightly_ young man. Of course Raphael didn’t lie awake at night, imagining what it might be like to hold, _to be held._ Of course Raphael didn’t think of those things. Of course. Ignatz felt foolish. His pace unconsciously quickened and before he knew it he had arrived at the knight’s hall. He slowed to a stop just at the corner of the building and caught his breath.

“I’m just… I’m worried.” A voice? A hushed voice, for certain. Ignatz hadn’t thought there would be anyone else out this late.

“I know. I’m worried too.” Was that the professor? What were they doing out here? Who were they with? Ignatz inched forward, peeking around the corner.

He spotted Byleth near the railing overlooking the graveyard. Seteth stood with them, looking out into the distance. That wasn’t terribly odd. Ignatz knew Seteth and Byleth had gotten quite close since the Alliance had moved into the monastery. Seteth reaching out to grab Byleth’s hand _was_ rather odd, though. Ignatz suddenly felt guilty for intruding, but couldn’t bring himself to leave.

“We’ll find Rhea. We will.” Byleth was saying, their face as solemn as usual.

“I know, my dear… I have my doubts, but I had more than doubts about finding you.” Seteth sighed, intertwining their fingers.

Byleth then turned slightly and Ignatz didn’t have quite enough time to duck out of sight. “…Ignatz?” The professor called, tentatively.

Ignatz slowly came around the corner, feeling sheepish. When he looked up to meet his old professor’s eyes, Seteth had already moved a couple feet away. “I-I’m sorry, professor, I didn’t mean… I didn’t realize anyone else was out here.”

“It’s all right.” Byleth said at the same time that Seteth said, “Please don’t tell Flayn.”

“I-I won’t.” Ignatz wasn’t entirely sure why Seteth didn’t want his sister to know how close he truly was with the professor, but he was sure the man had his reasons. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll be on my way. Have a good night.” He bowed his head slightly, he wasn’t sure why, and started to leave.

“Ignatz.” He stopped when he heard Seteth call out to him.

“Y-Yes, sir?” Ignatz asked, turning back around.

“You seem like you have something on your mind. Flayn acts quite similar when she has something to tell me but isn’t sure how to say it.” Seteth smiled slightly, a surprisingly soft expression on him. “Perhaps Byleth can help. I’ll relinquish the rest of my time to you.”

“N-No, I don’t—”

“Goodnight, dear.” Seteth grinned at Byleth and went on his way.

Ignatz stared at the ground beneath his feet, feeling trapped. When he finally dared to look up, Byleth hadn’t moved. He realized then that one of them had to speak first, and it most definitely wouldn’t be the professor. Sometimes it seemed they were content to live in silence forever.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt, professor, I really didn’t. I wasn’t even aware that you and Seteth were…that close.” He said quietly.

Byleth shrugged. “It’s a recent development. This, however, is a familiar situation. I’m going to ask you the same question I asked you all those years ago, but this time I want an honest answer.”

Ignatz braced himself.

“Are you all right?”

There was a pregnant pause. Ignatz clenched his jaw, weighing his options. He could try to lie again, but he figured the professor would see right through him. He could flee, but that would just bring this conversation back again with even more pressure. He could tell the truth. The only issue with that option was that he simply didn’t want to. He didn’t want to burden them with the troubles he couldn’t quash. The troubles he wasn’t strong enough to overcome. But then, if he couldn’t tell Byleth, who else could it be? Byleth had been a level-headed constant when he needed them. They weren’t personally involved in the situation. Not to mention that they had just trusted him with the knowledge of their and Seteth’s relationship. Yes, Ignatz decided, he would confide in his professor.

“No, professor, I’m not all right.” Ignatz sighed, his own voice sounding so tired that he hardly recognized it. When Byleth only looked at him expectantly, he continued. “To be perfectly honest, I’m not quite sure where to begin. I suppose I’ll go back to the beginning. You know about my art. You know I’ve always wanted to be an artist, that it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Byleth nodded. “You’re very talented.”

“Thank you! But I never thought I would be allowed to become a painter because my father wanted me to be a knight. So, I came to the academy and I trained to become a knight. I didn’t particularly want to, but I did it. I haven’t gotten to do anything that I’ve really wanted for years. Now, finally, I actually can see myself becoming an artist. Everyone has been encouraging me lately and I finally think I’ve gathered the nerve to talk to my father about it.”

“That’s wonderful, Ignatz.”

“And I… Seeing that I might be able to accomplish one thing I want… I’ve started thinking about…other things I’ve wanted…” Ignatz hesitated, wringing his hands. Byleth, to their credit, said nothing and simply waited. After a deep breath, he kept going. “My father also wished that I’d marry a nice girl and have children, to carry on the family name and such. I… I don’t want to have children and I don’t… I don’t want to marry a girl.” He finished quietly, hardly audible. As soon as the words left his mouth, he was mortified.

Byleth, likely sensing his discomfort, chose then to speak up. “You don’t have to marry if you don’t want, Ignatz.”

“I originally thought that was the issue, but… As it turns out, it’s not marriage itself, it’s…” Ignatz said, barely above a whisper. “…I think… I don’t think I’m attracted to women…”

The professor nodded slowly, understanding. “You could marry a man, if that’s what you wanted. I’ll marry one, I hope.”

“You’re different! You’re acting as the head of the Church of Seiros! I’m just the second son of a merchant… And what would my family think?! My father would never approve! And if I ever did something to sour Raphael’s sister’s opinion of him, I could never forgive myself!” As panic started rising, so did the volume of Ignatz’s voice. Once he realized how loud he’d gotten, he quickly dropped back down to a whisper. “I’ve already taken so much from him…”

“…so it’s Raphael, then?”

Ignatz’s heart stopped. He’d gone and revealed far more than he had intended. He could try to lie, but he’d already come this far. There was no point in hiding it now, he supposed. “Yes…it’s Raphael…” He sighed. “But he’d never return these feelings that…that I’ve barely come to accept myself. Part of me still wishes they’d just go away.”

“How long have you been fighting with this?” Byleth asked softly.

“Since before the war…” Ignatz suddenly felt too exhausted to give anything but the absolute truth. “I tried to convince myself that it was wrong, that I shouldn’t think about him like that. But I… I couldn’t stop. I felt so guilty. I _feel _guilty. Of course, it’s—”

“I think you should go talk to him. Not now. Perhaps tomorrow.”

“What will that accomplish?” Ignatz almost scoffed. “He’ll likely never talk to me again. He’ll be disgusted…”

“Talk to him.” Byleth insisted. “I think he’ll be more understanding than you’re fearing. You know Raphael isn’t the kind of man to end a friendship as long as yours over something like this.”

“I don’t know what I’d even say…”

“Just be honest. Like you were with me.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Just be honest. That was far easier said than done when it came to things Ignatz had been lying about for his entire life. But it was now or never, he supposed. After all, he’d already knocked on Raphael’s door. Only then did he consider that maybe the man was off somewhere else. Ignatz hadn’t seen him in the dining hall when he passed so he assumed that Raphael would be in his room. There was always the possibility that he wasn’t. Ignatz wasn’t sure what to do if he wasn’t. Would he wait? No, that was highly suspect. He couldn’t just wait outside Raphael’s door, looking for his return as if he were a lost dog. He wasn’t sure where to check next, perhaps—

“Ignatz!” Raphael greeted him cheerfully, almost throwing open the door. “What are you doing here? I thought for sure you’d be out paintin’ on a nice day like this! Wait, you aren’t here to paint me, are you? I’m not ready!”

Ignatz couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, Raphael, I’m not here to paint you. I was wondering if maybe we could talk.”

“Sure! I love talkin’ with you! Come on in!” Raphael stepped aside so the smaller man could come through the door. He sat down on his bed and patted the space next to him to prompt Ignatz to sit as well.

Ignatz obliged, incredibly aware of the space between them and worried simultaneously that he had sat too close and too far away. If the slightest thing were off, Raphael would know instantly that Ignatz had something on his mind. It wasn’t that he wanted to surprise his friend with what he was about to confess, but he would prefer to not have it interrogated out of him. Still, he took several moments to compose himself.

“So, what was it you wanted to talk abou—”

“I think I love you.” Ignatz blurted out, a blush quickly consuming his face. Well. That wasn’t quite how he’d wanted things to go at all.

Raphael blinked in surprise. “You…what?”

“It’s something I’ve been struggling with since our days at the academy.” Ignatz was speaking so quickly he was almost worried that his friend wouldn’t hear him. That may have been for the best. “I had all these feelings, and I kept trying to stomp them down and bury them so I didn’t ruin our friendship. But now, meeting you here again after those long, long five years… I can’t keep them down anymore. I can’t lie to myself any longer. I can’t live my whole life denying what makes me the happiest. I was afraid that if I didn’t tell you one day that I’d just burst. Byleth encouraged me to come talk to you so I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable for you. I can just go. That was all I wanted to say. Goodbye.” He stood abruptly and began to walk towards the door when Raphael reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Woah, hey, Ignatz! Where are you going?!” Raphael cried, pulling him back. “You can’t just say all that and run out on me!”

Ignatz screwed his eyes shut, prepared for the worst. This was the part where Raphael, his best friend, denied him, rebuked him, decided he never wanted to see him again. That would hurt. But it was his own fault, so he would deal with it. He wasn’t sure what exactly he would do without Raphael and the others would almost certainly find out what happened. He would need to find a way to control the damages before things got out of hand. He would have to tell people…tell them what? Tell them that he’d finally confessed to Raphael and had been turned down? He couldn’t do that. His friends might have their own suspicions about where his preferences lie, but he couldn’t just come out and tell them like that. That was too much. What if this changed their opinions of him? Byleth would stand by him, no doubt, but he couldn’t know how the others would react. He couldn’t think of what else he could do. His panicked mind suggested that perhaps he just leave. But… No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t abandon everyone. Maybe he could—

“Ignatz!” Raphael said firmly, drawing his attention. “You…You really feel that way?”

There was no backing out now. “…yes. I do.” He was just about to launch into his ‘if you don’t feel the same way’ speech when he was cut off.

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?!”

“…what?” Ignatz asked quietly.

“It sounds like you’ve been real worried about this for a long time! You could’ve told me!” Raphael pulled him slightly closer. “You could’ve told me…”

“No, I couldn’t have!” Ignatz cried. “You’re my best friend! I couldn’t burden you with this. …and my father would never…” He trailed off, looking down.

Raphael didn’t say anything for a long minute. He gently slid his hand down to grab Ignatz’s hand instead of his wrist. “Ig… It wouldn’t be a burden! That’s _because_ you’re my best friend! And if your dad doesn’t want you to be happy, then screw him. You’ve always been tryin’ to do what your dad wants and not what you want! Think about yourself for a change!”

Ignatz stood in shocked silence. “I’ve… I’ve been trying. I decided I’m really going to tell my father I want to be an artist. And then… Well, I started thinking about other things I never wanted to tell him… You, um… If you don’t return my feelings, that’s fine, but I would at least like you to tell me.”

Raphael squeezed his hand lightly and smiled. That was almost enough for Ignatz, but then Raphael lifted his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. The green-haired man would fervently deny that he made any sound resembling a squeak but he couldn’t possibly deny how red his face was. He instinctively tried to snatch his hand back but Raphael’s grip was too strong.

“Was that a good enough answer?” Raphael asked, laughing slightly. He looked more nervous than Ignatz had ever seen him.

“S-So, you do? You accept my feelings?”

“That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to show you! I’ve been tryin’ to flirt with you for forever but I guess I’m not that good at it, haha!”

“You’ve been…flirting with me?”

“Yeah! I’ve always thought you were pretty cute!”

“C-Cute?!” Ignatz gasped. “You think I’m cute?”

“You gotta stop questionin’ everything I say, Ig.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize!”

Ignatz didn’t trust himself to not say he was sorry again so he just sat down next to Raphael on the bed. Actually, he didn’t trust himself to say anything, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. He hadn’t expected this outcome. He’d made the trek to Raphael’s room fully expecting to leave with his tail between his legs. That didn’t mean he had planned for what would happen after that outcome, but he certainly wasn’t expecting his friend to return his feelings. This was the best case scenario, something Ignatz wasn’t used to. Raphael being attracted to him was something he had only dreamed of in his weakest moments. Yet, it was now reality. He could hardly believe it.

“Hey, you’re thinkin’ again. I can see it. What’s goin’ on in that _cute_ little head of yours?” Raphael asked, gently elbowing Ignatz in the side to draw his attention. He was smiling fondly, and Ignatz’s chest grew tight at the sight.

“I’m just…thinking about how lucky I am. I didn’t imagine this would go so well…” He couldn’t help the small grin that tugged at his lips.

“Well, get used to it! I’m gonna be the best partner ever because you deserve it. And maybe…after the war, you know, we talk about the future?”

Later on, Raphael’s promise would ring true. Ignatz truly couldn’t have asked for a better partner or, eventually, husband. But that was the future. As for the present, he was just a young man who was finally honest with himself. While Raphael went on and on, describing the different things they could do to spend time together, he just sat in wonder. The Officers Academy at Garreg Mach Monastery had indeed been a school of incredible opportunity and it was an incredible privilege to have attended. If it hadn’t been for the academy, Ignatz imagined that he never would have had the courage to confront his inner demons. It occurred to him that he could have lived his entire life denying all that made him happy. It was only because of his friends at Garreg Mach that he was encouraged to actively pursue his painting career. They also gave him the courage to admit to himself that which he had denied, dreaded even, for so long. If it weren’t for the academy, he doubted he would be sitting where he was, holding hands with the man he’d been in love with for so, so long. So, if the Officers Academy was what had brought him fully to Raphael, he couldn’t complain. Ignatz’s family had sent him to the monastery to become a knight and perhaps find a wife. He’d done neither of those things, in the long run. In fact, he could almost say he’d done the opposite. He went to the monastery and had decided to become a painter, and perhaps found a husband.

Everything was too much, but at least this time it was good.

**Author's Note:**

> was that ending cheesy ??? who knows  
my boy deserves to be happy
> 
> this was the most serious thing i think i've ever written, a far step away from my usual brand of semi-comedic fic so i hope it all worked well
> 
> anyway thanks for reading, i hope you liked it, and y'know comments and kudos are always appreciated uwu


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